Letters Home
by nattieb
Summary: Rose writes a series of letters home to her Doctor, knowing that he will never read them but finding the allure of telling him about her life too great to pass up.
1. Chapter 1

Author Notes: Written for the **songsintime** Broadway Tribute month on Live Journal. Prompt was 'Missing You My Bill' from "The Civil War" I owe Heather a huge thank you. She was able to figure out what was going wrong with the first draft of this chapter (which sucked) and helped overcome a bad case of writers block. She is amazing and the best Who partner a girl could ask for.

The prompt was: Thank God for so much to do it's the work that gets me through.But when the sun slowly sets just behind our hill or when the memories come in the evening chill how I long for your touch, like a lover will. Oh I'm missing you, how I'm missing you So, I count the days and think of ways to speed them by, when the day is through I remember you and cry.

"You bought me what for why?" Rose looked in at disbelief at the box of stationery. She would have sworn her mother had mentioned something about writing the Doctor, but she must have misheard. It had been another long day of paperwork at Torchwood. When she had been saving the world in the other universe there had never been paperwork. Well there was that one time on Saren V, but that had been entirely _his_ fault.

"I just thought it would be nice if you wrote the Doctor a letter," her mother answered sorting through the rest of the purchases. "So I got ya that. Now tell me what do you think of this?" She held up an impossibly small yellow baby dress sporting a duck in a wagon.

"It's darling, where did you...hold on," Rose said, her mind finally catching up with her mother's words. "What do you mean, write a letter to the Doctor?"

"It's like I told ya last night, sweetheart," her mum answered, pulling more baby clothes from the sacks and dividing them into piles. "I think it will help."

Rose crossed her arms across her chest and tried not to roll her eyes, but let a puff of air pass her lips. Help. That was all she needed.

Everyone meant well, she knew they did, but that was the problem. Every few weeks it seemed her mum, Pete, and Mickey had a new plan to 'help' her come to terms with her new life. Pete had thought it was a good idea that she meet with one of the Torchwood counselors. It had taken both herself and Mickey to convince him that it wasn't a good idea. How was she supposed to explain that she was from a parallel universe and that she had traveled through Time and Space with an alien, in a little blue box that was bigger on the inside? Not only that, but how was she to explain where she really came from. Who her parents were? She had finally told Pete that some secrets were meant to be kept, and needed to remain secret for the family's safety and for her own peace of mind. Mickey had thought that simply moving on would help and proceeded in setting her up with every available man at Torchwood. He had only stopped when Rose threatened to show him what exactly Jack's personal combat sessions had taught her and just how she took down the Venuvian prince, who had decided she was to be part of his harem. But this new idea of her mother's trumped them all.

Uncrossing her arms she reached for her mum, taking her by the hand. "Mum, I told ya. I'm all right. I don't need anything, I'm fine."

Before her body could betray her lie, she turned and moved towards the door, hoping for a quick get away. It was still light enough outside, maybe she could go for a run and use the time to clear her head.

"I've heard how 'all right' you are, Rose. I hear it every night."

Her mother's words froze Rose in the doorway. She instantly knew what her mum meant and wondered if she had any hope of denying the accusation. During the day it was easy to pretend. Pretend that this was just a dream, or that this had always been her life and she had never lived in another world, exploring the stars with him. She could pretend that she was strong, that she was living that fantastic life he wanted for her, and that she was happy. But at night, at night it was harder. It was at night that the memories and the dreams of a life unlived came. It was the only time she allowed herself to cry.

"Come 'ere, sweetheart." She hadn't even heard her mum come up behind her, but she gratefully sank into her mum's embrace.

Her mum slowly led them over to the bed, pushing the packages and clothing aside to make a space for the two of them. Leaning back against the headboard, feet stretched out across the bed, Rose leaned her head on her mum's shoulder and instantly her mum's hand was stroking her hair. This was a position Rose found herself in often growing up, and it brought her as much comfort now as it did then.

"It's a nice idea, Mum." She finally said, breaking the silence between them. "But, I'd rather not. I am doing just fine. Work is keeping me busy and really there is enough to do around here with the baby and all that I barely have time..."

Her mum's hand stilled and when she spoke her voice was compassionate, yet hard at the same time. "I will not have you lie to me anymore, Rose Marion Tyler. You are not fine. You haven't been fine in nearly a year. Your act may fool just about everyone, but it doesn't fool me."

"It's not an act," Rose sighed, closing her eyes. "I really am fine here. I'll admit the first months were hard," at her mother's harrumph she amended that statement, "Okay, they were miserable, but things have gotten better now. I enjoy my work, I love that I am going to be a big sister, Pete is wonderful, and it is nice to have Mickey and Jake around. Really, this is the life that he wanted for me, I couldn't be..."

She couldn't finish the lie.

"But it isn't the life that you wanted, is it?" her mother asked, stroking Rose's hair once more.

Rose didn't answer that question.

"After I lost your Dad things were bad, Rose. Wasn't quite sure if we were going to make it some days. Kept pushing, every day trying to make the pain hurt a bit less. Then one day, you decided it was time to crawl and that was just a bit much for me. I held you and rocked back and forth crying, 'cause your Dad wasn't there to see it. Later that night I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote your dad a letter. Filled the whole front and back of a sheet of paper, telling him about you and what you were doing." Her mum's voice drifted off in the memory. "Kept doing it after that, too. It was as if, by telling him what was going on in my life and everything about you, he was part of it too."

Rose nodded, understanding what her mum was saying, but reluctant to try what her mum was asking. Rose had developed a strong cocoon around herself in the past year and she was reluctant to risk breaking it.

"Wrote to you, too," her mum added, startling her with the admission. Rose turned to look at her mum, but her mum refused to met her eyes. "During that year you were gone. Told you about the estate, what was happening on East Enders, apologized for being a horrible mother,"

"You weren't a horrible mother," Rose shot up, pulling herself from the embrace, but taking her mum's hands. "You were great mum, and I'm sorry. I am so sorry for that year. I didn't mean to..."

"Hush, I know you are."

Rose felt the tears she had been able to hold back begin to fall. Her mum moved her hand forward and brushed them away, "I just want you to be happy, Rose. I can't give you back your Doctor, but maybe this will help. Try it just this once - for me."

Rose simply nodded. If it would make her mum happy, she would do it. Embracing her mother one last time she rose from the bed, taking the box of stationery with her. She nearly made it to the door when her mum called out again, "Oh and Rose, save the letter. Just put it in the wardrobe, or under the bed. Don't throw it away."

"I won't." she answered and silently retreated to her room.

Once she was in her room with the door safely closed, she rummaged for a pen at her bedside table and took the new floral stationary out to the balcony that overlooked the back garden. This spot had become one of her favorites, it was easy to retreat here and loose herself in the moment.

She pulled out a piece of stationery, noting the pink and yellow roses woven with ivy and smiled at her mother's choice. It was so feminine. Something a 19-year-old Rose would have chosen, but somehow it fit.

She looked out at the garden and watched the sun setting, losing herself in memories. After a few minutes - maybe five, maybe fifteen - she put pen to paper and started writing.

_My Dear Doctor,_

You are never going to read this, and this could be one of the daftest things I have ever done, and that includes the time that you made me...


	2. Chapter 2

The break room was full to capacity, Rose's co-workers all crowded in to congratulate her on both the completion of her agent training and her promotion to head of her own Field Ops team. This change meant that she would no longer be working directly with Mickey, but she had persuaded him to allow Jake to join her team. She was grateful for that concession on Mickey's part; she had come to depend on Jake's quiet strength and invaluable counsel. His friendship also had grown to mean a lot to her.

They had lured her in here under false pretenses, telling her that Mickey's crisps were stuck in the vending machine and would she please do that thing with her hips that always seemed to loosen the snacks? She had chuckled and made her way to the break room, muttering about only being appreciated for her 'magic hips,' but stopped abruptly upon entering when she found her coworkers grinning and shouting "Surprise!" as she entered.

Not only had Mickey and Jake organized the party, but they had also taken it upon themselves to decorate. As if the streamers hanging from the ceiling weren't enough, they had begged the graphics department to create a banner that stretched across the wall.

Rose smiled as coworkers wished her congratulations and talked with her about the completion of her degree and her new job. Jake caught her eye and held up a piece of chocolate cake, asking if she wanted it. She smiled and nodded yes, all the while still listening to Bob from accounting as he regaled her with his 7-year-old daughter's latest football goal. "I'm sorry Bob, I see that Jake needs me for something," she said, interrupting his third telling of the game winning goal. "New responsibilities and everything." She flashed him what she hoped was a sincere smile and made her way to Jake.

"You sir, are a life saver." She said, taking the proffered cake from his hands.

"Bob telling you about Gwyneth's goal?" He asked, a smirk lighting his face.

"Oh, you've heard it too?"

"Don't think there is one person in this company that hasn't heard the story at least once."

"Can't blame him," Rose said, her voice dropping. "Nice to give your dad something to brag about."

"Rose," Jake sighed and put an arm around her shoulder, leaning in toward her so they wouldn't be overheard. "You know that Pete is proud of you."

Rose simply shrugged. "Yeah."

Her relationship with this world's Pete Tyler had improved from those first rocky days, but there was still that bit of hesitating on both their parts, even two years later. Oh, they put on a good front - no way her mum suspected that they were anything but a happy, adjusted family. Jake and Mickey were the only ones who seemed to notice, and Rose wondered if it was because both of them had been there the first time she and this world's Pete met. Her mind was instantly drawn back to the night Pete had walked away from her and the comfort she had found in the Doctor's embrace after. She found herself wondering what he would think about her new accomplishments.

"He'd be proud of you too, you know." Jake added, as if reading her mind.

Rose's head swung up to meet his gaze, shocked at his statement. Jake simply smiled, "You get this look about you, Rose, every time you think of the Doctor"

"I don't mean to," she sighed before adding quickly, "I mean, I am moving on Jake. It's just hard sometimes."

"I know, sweetheart," he said squeezing her shoulder. "I know."

She leaned into him again, knowing that he did know. They had spent many nights talking about what they had both lost and how to move on. Now here they were, defending the Earth in the memory of their lost loves.

"What are you two moping about? This is supposed to be a celebration party."

They were both startled as Mickey came up from behind them.

"Moping?" Rose asked, hoping her grin was big enough to mask the sorrow behind her eyes. "Mickey, you ought to know better, me and Jake never mope."

"Yeah well," he said shrugging his voice trailing off.

The three of them stood in companionable silence, watching the celebration taking place around them.

"I figure you owe me big, Rose." Rose quirked a questioning eyebrow at Mickey's statement, and he continued, "Seeing as how I threw you this party, despite the fact that I am losing you as a member of my team, _and _seeing how I'm letting you take my best man. "

"You still have Owen, Mickey." Jake answered, a sardonic grin on his face.

"Ain't I the lucky one." Mickey replied.

The three of them burst into laughter only to be interrupted by a polite cough from somewhere behind them. Turning they found a small determined woman, her hair pulled tightly into a bun with glasses perched on her nose. Gladys, her father's secretary. "Ms. Tyler. Mr. Tyler would like to see you in his office." Her voice broached no argument.

Gladys turned toward the door, leaving Rose, Jake, and Mickey no other option but to follow. As they moved out into the hallway, the petite woman turned and faced them again. "Mr. Tyler wants to see Ms. Tyler alone." She then continued towards Pete's office.

Both men looked at Gladys' retreating form. "Wonder if Pete will let me have her as your replacement. I am sure Owen would make him a damn fine assistant." Mickey said after a moment, a touch of awe in his voice.

The three of them burst into laughter and it took Rose a moment to compose herself.

"You going to be okay, Rose?" Jake asked, taking her hand.

Rose ignored Mickey's look of concern and smiled up at Jake, "Course, 'm always okay."

She squeezed Jake's hand and smiled one last time at the both of them before turning and following Gladys down the hallway.

Pete's office was empty when Gladys shut the door behind her, _So much for this being urgent. _Rose thought, moving towards the cherry-wood desk. She ran her fingers over the wood of the desk and sighed. Pete's office always felt sterile to her. Nothing here indicated the man her father was. There were a few pictures scattered on the desk of he and her mum, then of course of William and herself. But nothing else to tell about the man that held this office.

Rose took one of the silver plated frames off the desk, and settled into one of the leather chairs across from Pete's desk. The picture was one that was taken a month ago on William's first birthday. William sat in a chair, in front of a cake; her mum, Pete, and herself huddled around him. Pete had his arms slung around both her mum and herself, all three of them grinning at the camera. It wasn't often that they had such an informal family picture taken, but Rose found that this picture captured the true essence of her family, more than any of the formal shots they had taken and distributed to the press. In those they always seemed aloof from one another, the typical monied family, but in this candid shot Mickey had taken, they were simply the Tyler family. It was something that they'd worked hard at .

"I can never get tired of looking at that picture."

Pete's voice came from behind her and she jumped out of the seat, letting out an undignified scream of surprise.

"Didn't mean to frighten you, Rose." he said, chuckling and taking the picture from her hand and setting it on back the desk.

Rose, one hand on her chest, closed her eyes hoping to control her breathing and slow her heart beat.

"It's fine." she said once her breathing was back to normal.

Pete smiled at her and indicated for her to sit, taking the empty chair across from her for himself. "Where are Mickey and Jake? I was sure that they would be here with you."

Rose looked at him, confusion spreading across her features, "Gladys said that you wanted to see me alone. They stayed behind at the party."

"Didn't actually think they'd follow directions, those two." Pete said by way of explanation. "They barely let you out of their sights. It is almost impossible to get you alone."

Rose shrugged. It wasn't that hard. Her mum always seemed to find time.

"So, how was the party?"

"S'was nice. A surprise."

"Good."

The polite small talk was common place for the two of them. Usually they relied on Jackie to keep the conversations going. Four years had improved Rose's relationship with her now father, but neither seemed to be completely comfortable when left on their own. She cared for him and knew he felt the same, but there just always seemed to be a block there, something that neither one of them could get around.

"How's William?" she asked, even though she knew the answer.

"Good, driving your mum and the staff mad." he added with a chuckle. "Been quite since you got your own place, Rose."

She laughed right out loud at that statement, "What with a one year old and my mum? There are days I wondered if you could even tell I was there."

The statement hung in the air and she immediately wished she could take it back. Not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes she turned around and began examining the worn book left on the coffee table.

"Your mum was wondering if you'd come for dinner this Sunday." Rose regretted the sadness in his voice.

"Yeah, sure." She shrugged, the worn book becoming more interesting than the man across from her.

The silence reigned again. Rose was beginning to get angry. She had been called away from a rather nice party - for what? To sit here and make small talk?

"If there isn't anything else." She said getting ready to stand up.

"There is actually." His voice was quiet, but resolute.

She sank back in her chair, finally looking at her father. Pete seemed to be studying the pattern in the office carpet, his eyes tracing the patterns back and forth. Finally, he took a deep breath and looked up at Rose expectantly.

"Are you happy Rose?"

She looked back at him, anger, confusion, and hurt fighting for control. "I'm fine." She finally was able to spit out, the control she was known for slipping.

"I didn't ask that, Rose." His voice was calm but she could hear the steel tone underneath.

Sighing, she stood up, "I'm happy."

He stood facing her, his features uncharacteristically blank. She stood holding his gaze waiting for him to speak, but he didn't.

"What do you want to hear, Dad?" she asked, frustration finally reaching a boiling point.

"The truth."

She laughed ruefully. "The truth. Not sure you want the truth." The truth. She knew she should be happy and, honestly, most the time she was happy. She had a fantastic life. Good friends, good family, good job. She had her own flat, enough money not to have to worry about it, she had holidays she had only dreamed of as a child. She was living the fantastic life that _he _had always wanted, but she felt that part of it was still missing. That part of her was missing.

"Rose," he pleaded, reaching for her hand. She snatched it away then, registering the hurt on his face, softened a little.

"'M sorry."

She reached out her hand toward his, and he grasped it. "I know I can be a right bear sometimes. Really, I am happy. I have just about everything I need and want. There are some times though that..."

She let her sentence trail off, knowing that she didn't need to finish it.

"Oh Rose," Pete sighed, pulling her into his arms. She hugged back, enjoying the rare moment that she could simply be Pete Tyler's daughter.

He held her for just a moment longer then stepped away, thrusting his hand into his trouser pocket. "I wanted to give you this," he said, pulling out a long velvet box. "Your mum has a huge dinner and gift planned for you this weekend, but I wanted you to have something just from me."

Rose reached forward and took the box, her hand shaking a little in surprise at the gesture. Pete had never bought her anything since she had been here, he had always left that up to her mother. Gently opening the box she found a single tear-drop pearl resting on a fine gold chain. Rose involuntarily took in a breath, her eyes flying to her meet her father's.

"It was my mum's."

Rose felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she closed the box. "Thank you." she whispered, only imagining what this meant to him.

She reached for him, hugging him once more. "It's a fantastic life, Dad. A fantastic life."

She turned down Mickey's offer for drinks that night, not quite able to meet Jake's questioning gaze as she did so.

She wanted some time to herself, to think.

Reaching under her bed, she pulled out the box her mother had given her a year before. There were still some pages left of the stationery her mother had bought her. Most the pages had been filled with stories of her life at Torchwood, her friendships, her studies, stories of her family. Then they had been sealed in envelopes and placed in another box. Never to be read, never to be seen, simply put away.

Sighing, she reached for the pen she kept with the stationery and began to write.

_My Doctor,_

_It is a fantastic life. Most days it's everything I want. I've a job I love - not one that requires as much running as when I was with you, but one that keeps me on my toes and let's me save the Earth now and then. I have a mum who cares so much about me, even when I don't deserve it. I have a dad that, despite everything that I hold back, lets me know in little ways that I am his and he is proud of me. I have an adorable, if loud, little brother who I spoil more then anyone else. I have two wonderful friends - best friends these days - who watch out for me and who take care of me. Who are hands to hold. _

_But even with all this there is something missing. During the day I can pretend this is all enough, that I don't need anything else. I can fill my days with work and family and friends and everything will be all right. But it isn't enough. When I get home at night I am overcome will the greatest sense of loneliness. Better with two, eh? Better with a hand to hold. Mickey and Jake try, but it isn't the same. It never feels right. _

_So I spend my nights looking at the stars, letting the memories come. I try to remember each adventure, each trip, each escape, each touch. Most nights I just sit out on my balcony remembering. Remembering you. Remembering us. I miss your touch, I miss your smile, I miss the way you jump around the console trying to land us somewhere near the right time, and I miss the sheepish grin you'd get when you realized we were nowhere near what you'd plan. I miss you. This life is good, it is fantastic, but it will never be all that I want. _


	3. Chapter 3

"You know, I don't think this is what Jackie had in mind when she told you to find something to where for the benefit tonight," Jake said coming up behind her

"You know, I don't think this is what Jackie had in mind when she told you to find something to wear for the benefit tonight," Jake said coming up behind her.

She had dragged him with her on this shopping excursion, telling him it would be "fun" and a chance to get out of the office for the afternoon. Jake had rolled his eyes and made some comment on how she was being stereotypical and how all gay men do not enjoy shopping, but he had caved in at her needling. She hadn't wanted to go alone, she spent far too much time alone as it was; plus, despite Jake's protests, she knew he enjoyed shopping with her.

Rose shrugged and turned her attention back to the leather jacket in front of her. It was an intriguing shade of blue, and she couldn't help letting her fingers run over the leather. She knew Jake was right; her mum would murder her if she showed up for one of Jackie's famous benefits in jeans and a leather jacket- again.

"Come on, Rose. Evening wear is this way," Jake said taking her hand and starting to pull her along behind him.

Rose was startled at the action. The only time anyone took her hand anymore was when she was pulling them to safety out in the field. Not sure what to do she pulled her hand out of his grasp and, when seeing the look of confusion cross Jake's face, she quickly covered and smiled reassuringly at him, "It won't hurt to try it on."

Without waiting for a response she sent him a cheeky grin, grabbed the jacket, and headed straight for a dressing room.

"Rose, come on," Jake huffed. "Jackie's party starts in four hours and you know that you need at least that long to get ready." His voice was teasing now and Rose could imagine the sardonic grin that accompanied his words.

"Then do us both a favor and grab that pink top. Mum's been saying I never wear pink anymore."

Jake shook his head, but grabbed the shirt she had indicated and handed it to her before she shut the door. "Thirty seconds, Jake." She promised, grinning as she closed the door.

"I've heard that one before, Rose. You'll be in there for at least ten minutes." She could hear his sigh through the dressing room door and rolled her eyes. "That is one thing I don't get, it's a jacket, why couldn't you try it on out here?"

She chuckled. Men, they would never understand a woman's shopping rituals. "'Cause I wanted to try it with the pink top and I couldn't just strip and try it on out there. Thought they might frown on that, high-classed establishment and all."

"Don't know, might have been able to sell the security tape for an impressive amount," he laughed. "Vitex Heiress Reveals All."

Jake was standing outside her dressing room and she could imagine him leaning against the wall next to the door with his arms crossed, feet out in front of him, ankles crossed. He would look like the quintessential put-upon friend, waiting resignedly for his companion to make her choices and drag him on to the next store. But Rose knew differently. She knew he would be scanning the crowd watching for any tabloid photographer that might have stumbled upon them, or some stranger that was taking too much interest in her. She hated being protected, something both Jackie and Pete had learned early on, but with Jake and Mickey she found she didn't mind. It was their acknowledgement that she could take care of herself, but they were there for back up that she found endearing rather than unbearable.

She shook her head and laughed. "If you think we are rushed for time, Jake, go over to evening wear and have them start pulling dresses."

She knew what his answer would be before he spoke. "You really think I'd leave ya, boss?"

She smiled at the term of endearment. She had been a team leader for over a year now, and by all rights Jake should be leading his own team. She had recommended him several times, begged him practically to take the position, but he had refused every time. He always said she needed someone to get her out of the crazy messes she usually plunged into. And to be fair, he had pulled her out of a few scrapes, okay more than a few scrapes. He was an invaluable member of her team, her cool and level-headed second.

"Nah," she finally answered, her voice muffled as she pulled the t-shirt over her head. It was a brighter pink than she had worn since coming here. She stuck to more neutral or muted colors these days, trying everything she could to distance herself from the girl she used to be. The girl that had believed in dreams and in forever.

"Rose," Jake's voice was calm, but serious. "Can I ask you a question?"

"'Course," she answered, pulling on the jacket and examining herself in the mirror carefully. The cut was nice and stylish and the color went beautifully with the pink.

"Why leather?"

_What does he mean by that?_ Rose thought to herself. "What?" She responded out loud, turning around to check how the jacket looked from behind. It looked good and Rose decided she was definitely not leaving without the jacket or the top.

"Why all the leather, Rose?" Jake asked again. "I don't think I've ever seen you without a leather jacket. Not since you got here."

She froze, examining her reflection in the mirror. She knows the answer to his question and is surprised that no one has ever asked her before. She thought that her mum or Mickey would have commented on it. She had never worn leather back…before. She had preferred the softer fabrics, but the moment she had spotted that black jacket on her first shopping trip here it had just felt right. "I like leather." She replied simply, pulling the jacket off and returning it to the hanger. She didn't pause to think if she was lying for his benefit or her own.

His silence from the other side of the door was unnerving. He had always been good at asking the right questions then waiting patiently for the answers. She stripped off the shirt, hoping that the sooner she could get out of here the sooner they could move on to a new subject, like her dress or Mickey's date for the night - anything but what he is asking.

"Besides," she finally added, giving into the silence. "'M not always in leather. Wear lot's of other stuff, too."

"Rose." Jake said slowly in a tone of voice Rose knew all too well from watching him interrogate suspects at work. It was his 'I know you are skirting the issue with me and I have the patience of Job so you might as well give in now' voice. "Why all the leather?"

Buttoning the last button on her blue blouse, she hesitated before reaching for the brown leather jacket she'd worn in to the store. Coming out with both jackets would only prove Jake's point, but she couldn't leave the brown one off and she desperately wanted the blue one. Taking a deep breath, she shrugged her brown leather on, grabbed the blue on and the pink top, and opened the door.

Jake had moved to face the dressing room door and looked at her with concern etched across his face. She could tell he was about to say something else, but she cut him off. "You know, I was thinking of going with black for tonight? What do you think? Classy enough for my mum?"

Instead of waiting for an answer she moved toward the evening section, not waiting for him to follow, making clear the conversation was over. She clutched the blue leather jacket and pink top tightly hoping that Jake didn't notice her hands trembling.

The music filled every corner of the Tyler's home and the dance floor was at full capacity. The band Jackie had hired was currently playing a fast swing and Rose found herself being whipped around the dance floor by Mickey. Rose threw back her head with a shriek of delight as Mickey threw in a dip.

She met his smile as he pulled her up. "I haven't heard that in a long time," Mickey grinned, spinning Rose around.

"Heard what?" Rose asked, a bit breathless.

"You laughin'. Was startin' to think you forgot how."

"Don't know what you're goin' on about Mickey," Rose said, a smile still on her face. It had been ages since she'd had this much fun. Her mum's parties were usually a boring wine and cheese state affair - alcohol and food a plenty, but never people really enjoying themselves. Tonight was different though. Jackie had hired a band and opened the back garden for a dance floor. People seemed to be really enjoying themselves. Rose scanned the floor and found her mum dancing with Jake and her dad with Mickey's date, Sarah.

Rose smiled at all the people that she loved in one room, even William was over in the corner dancing in the arms of his nanny. Despite her conversation with Jake earlier today, which had left her feeling unsettled and she completed her shopping, the evening had been spectacular.

Mickey finished off their dance with a complicated turn and dip that left both of them on the floor, peeling with laughter. Standing up, they applauded with the rest of the audience and moved back to the Tyler table to find the rest of their party waiting for them. Mickey moved to sit next to Sarah and Rose took what was becoming her customary seat next to Jake. She took the glass of champagne he offered her with a smile.

"I was just telling your dad, sweetheart," her mum's voice came from her left, "that we have raised more tonight for the children's center than we did at the past two gatherings together."

"People like to have fun, Mum."

"Oi, the cheek. You never used to be this cheeky, Rose Tyler, only after you started traveling with…" Jackie's voice trailed off as a she realized what she had just said. The words had the effect of throwing a bucket of ice water on the occupants of the table. The smiles were replaced with looks of concern and Rose felt Jake reach quietly for her hand. Realizing what he was going to do; she pulled both hands into her lap, away from his reach. She didn't have to look over at him to know that the action had caused confusion. She was relieved when he didn't press the issue and instead of taking her hand he placed a comforting hand on her knee.

"You traveled, Rose?" Sarah asked, oblivious to the tension of the others at the table.

"Yeah, I…" Rose attempted to answer, but found it difficult. She was trying to hold together a carefully placed façade and found it slipping away. She needed her leather jacket, she found herself thinking. She needed the comfort and strength and protection that it brought.

"Oh, our Rose," Mickey jumped in, "We couldn't keep her still. Traveled all over Europe and Asia. Even got over to South America."

She shot Mickey a look of thanks and relaxed a little. Mickey continued telling Sarah about the places that she had visited and Rose felt her mother lean over towards her.

"'M sorry, sweetheart, I didn't mean to-"

"Don't worry about it, Mum." Rose cut her off, not wanting an apology. It had been three years, there should be no reason why her mum shouldn't talk about something that had been part of both their lives. But that didn't make it hurt any less.

The band began a new number and Rose sighed in relief as Pete led her mum to the dance floor and Mickey and Sarah followed behind. It was a slower song, a song she remembered from when she was growing up, one her mum used to sing all the time. Rose closed her eyes, the events day finally overwhelming her. She listened to the first simple melodies of the song, lost in memories of a man she couldn't seem to forget.

_When the sun is high in the afternoon sky you can always find something to do_

_But from dusk till dawn as the clock ticks on something happens to you. _

"Come on," Jake said, standing up and offering her his hand.

_In the wee small hours of the morning, when the whole wide world is fast asleep._

Rose kept her eyes shut, refusing to look at Jake. "Nah, I think 'm going to sit this one out."

_You lie awake and think about the boy_

"Rose."

_And never, ever think of counting sheep._

There was the tone again. Not wanting a fight, she opened her eyes and found Jake's full of understanding and love. Taking a deep breath she nodded and stood, finally allowing him to lead her to the dance floor. She wanted to head up to bed, just find her old room here, put on her flannel pajamas and curl up to have a good cry. Maybe she could make her excuses after this dance.

_When the lonely heart has learned its lesson_

Rose braced herself as Jake pulled her closer, knowing that he was going to question her again about the leather jacket. What shocked her most was she wasn't sure which frightened her more, the idea that he would bring it up or the idea that he wouldn't. She took a deep breath waiting for the inevitable, but she was taken aback when he finally spoke, "It's going to be okay, Rose."

_You'd be his, if only he'd call._

She sighed, laying her head on his shoulder. Knowing that for tonight he was going to leave questions about leather jackets behind. They would come up again, Jake was persistent, but it would be another day. A day that she was dressed to hide the scars. As for everything being okay, she wanted to believe him. Wanted with all her heart to believe this man who knew and understood her more than anyone else in this universe. But he was wrong. No matter how much she pretended, she still couldn't believe the lies.

_In the wee small hours of the morning, that's the time you miss him most of all. _

She had excused herself after that last dance with Jake and no one had stopped her. She slipped up to her old room and undressed quickly, replacing the new black dress with the comfortable familiar cotton pajamas. Without thinking, she reached for the new leather jacket and pulled it on, feeling a bit more comfortable when it was in place.

She had taken some paper and pen from Pete's study on her way from the party. These items now in hand she made her way from her room to the connecting balcony and sat down. The music and noise from the party drifted up from the back garden. The band was playing another slow song, a song about lovers reuniting and Rose felt the tears she had successfully fought off downstairs well in her eyes. Grasping the pen she began to write,

_My Doctor, _

_When we first met I don't think I had ever met anyone so lonely. I didn't understand it at the time, but I think understand now. _

_This life is very lonely. I have friends, brilliant friends. But it isn't the same. Everyone else seems to have a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on and I am left watching from the sidelines. Though Jake tries to be the person I need; it isn't the same. There are days that I just wish there was a hand to hold, or a shoulder to lean into, someone who will accept me as I am, and not question my every decision, my food choices, my clothing. Everyone needs a hand to hold, but what happens when that is no longer an option?_


	4. Chapter 4

Rose moved down the staircase slowly, her trainers clutched in her hands, trying not to wake the household

Rose moved down the staircase slowly, her trainers clutched in her hands, trying not to wake the household. The party last night had stretched early into the morning and she did not expect any one else to be up yet. She was surprised that her mum hadn't come to check on her last night after she fled the party. _Dad and Mickey must have held her back,_ Rose thought. _Should probably thank them for that_. Going over her actions of last night, Rose understood she'd overreacted to the situation. Having Jake call her on the leather jacket during their shopping trip that afternoon had left her feeling vulnerable and exposed, and then her mum's comment at dinner…well that was over now and no one would mention it again.

The letter she had written last night had helped, a bit. She thought her mum had been daft when she'd suggested writing that first letter to the Doctor three years ago, but now Rose understood. They brought a certain amount a peace and insight. Rose found herself wishing at times that she had the letters her mum had written her dad; she would have loved to read through them to learn more about her mum and more about her own life as a small child. But those things were now lost and, like the letters that now took three shoe boxes in her flat, they'd never be read.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs she silently slipped on and laced her trainers, grateful her mum had given the staff the morning off. No one would stop her as she slipped out of the house. Her morning runs had become habit after that day in Norway . She found it easy to forget everything as her feet hit the pavement and as she pushed her body to exceed its limits.

But her runs also came with a bit of controversy in the family. The first year here Rose had been something of a mystery and, therefore, a media darling. If Jackie Tyler retuning after a three year absence had caused a wave of media intrusion the discovery of a 23 year-old daughter had caused a tsunami. The tabloids had haunted Rose's every footstep making it nearly impossible for her to leave the house.

Her mother had urged her to use the fully-equipped gym that Pete had in the house rather than run outside, but Rose had been persistent. There was something about running outside that made her feel free as opposed to trapped. The wind in her hair, the air rushing past her ears, the maniacal laugh that echoed in her mind and that tugged her along with the hand that held hers tight... She had missed the running.

Rose had finally acquiesced to Jake or Mickey accompanying her, but had soon learned that, though fit, neither seemed able to keep up with her. She had run with the best in the universe and nothing else seemed to satisfy her now. She was relieved when the media attention began to wane when she didn't present herself as a wild-child heiress, but instead as a calm and collected young woman who never spoke of her past. The lack of attention allowed her to finally run on her own.

She closed her eyes as she stepped outside into the morning light and, smiling, took a deep breath. There may be no hand to hold, but she was still running. Opening her eyes she was surprised to see Mickey standing there, dressed in a track suit and running shoes, grinning at her.

"Morning, Babe."

Rose looked at him and stammered out a, "Good morning?" It was more of a question than a statement. She had assumed that Mickey had spent the night at the Tyler mansion - he and Jake usually did after one of the Tyler parties - but she hadn't expected him up this early, let alone dressed and waiting to accompany her on her morning run.

"Been wonderin' how long you were gonna be. Been out here since six." His voice was light as if he was trying to joke with her, but Rose could hear the tone of something unspoken underneath.

Rose stifled a surprised laugh, it was just past seven. "Did you get any sleep at all?" She asked with a small smile.

""bout two hours." Mickey shrugged as a big yawn escaped him.

"_You_ should go to bed," Rose said with genuine concern, touching his shoulder as she walked down the stairs.

"Nah, wanted to come with you this morning. Don't worry, I'll keep up," he added quickly, noticing the look of disbelief on her face.

Rose sighed, but nodded her assent and the two started down the path leading off the Tyler property.

True to his word, Mickey kept up with her stride for stride and, to be honest, she was impressed. She hadn't thought her tired friend would be able to handle the grueling pace that she had set. She'd hoped that he would become too winded after the first half mile and turn back, leaving her alone. She had planned on running away from the problems and memories of yesterday, to use this time to compose the shield that she needed in place. She hadn't wanted company but here he was, her oldest friend still refusing to leave her. She kept watching him as they ran, wondering when he'd quit.

After three miles of running side by side they reached a small playground. In the past this had always marked her turn around point, but today she was determined to push on, to put even more distance between herself and her demons. But Mickey reached out his hand and stopped her, doubling over and gasping for breath.

"Let's stop for a sec, yeah?" He wheezed. She shook her head, but smiled and led Mickey over to a small park bench. Keeping her step light, stretching out her tendons, she worked one leg at a time, bending them at the knees as she spoke

"Not bad for only a few hours sleep, Mick," she said with a saucy wink. "Never used to be able to keep up."

Mickey was still doubled over on the bench taking in great gulps of air, which made Rose smile. She stopped stretching and placed her hands on her hips.

"Look," she started, smiling as a parent would while indulging a child. "I'm just gonna run a bit further ahead, okay? You can wait here or go back to the house."

She stood up and patted him on the head ready to set off again, but his hand caught her wrist, effectively stopping her.

"We need to talk," he said, sitting up and trying to pull her down next to him.

Rose knew that tone. She had heard him use it plenty of times on members of his team. It was a tone she had even had directed at herself a time or two after a disastrous mission. She was about to get a dressing down.

She pulled out of his grasp, the frustration she'd kept at bay since she saw him waiting for her outside the house finally surfacing. "After I finish my run. Back at the house."

"No," he said forcefully. She step back, shock racing through her body. It must have shown on her face as well, as he momentarily softened, but he looked determined and she knew he wasn't backing down. They had to talk. His grip on her hand tightened and she knew it was pointless to skirt the issue.

Dropping to the bench beside him she sighed, "What's this about, Mickey?'

"You need to stop running, Rose."

She laughed disbelievingly, "Sorry Mick, 'S part of the job."

"You know that wasn't what I meant Rose," Mickey answered, a touch of exasperation in his voice.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them, one that hadn't been between them in ages. She knew what he meant; she'd hoped he'd have dropped the issue by now. The walls that she had carefully crafted over the years slammed into place.

"I'm not going to talk about this, Mickey," she protested while folding her arms across her body. "I've accepted what happened. I've moved on. Not sure why you all think that I haven't."

"You've moved on?" Mickey scoffed. "Then what do you call that little performance at last night's dinner, or shoppin' with Jake yesterday? You've done somethin' alright, Rose, but it ain't movin' on! Your heart's been stuck in idle right along with the rest of your life."

"I loved him, Mickey," she said, her voice rising in pitch with each word. The anger she'd repressed for so long was now burning inside of her, fueling her desire to lash out at someone. Why couldn't they all just let her be?

"A person just doesn't forget that. If there was any way that I could get back to him I would. But I can't!" She knew she was shouting and that she could possibly be drawing attention from unwanted parties. But she didn't care. " I'm stuck here, Mickey. I am stuck on this forsaken planet with no one! Not one person who even wants to understand!" She screamed those last words and stood, ready to kick the anchored down trash can I next to the bench in frustration.

"Glad to know that you think we're all nothin' Rose. But it's always been that way, hasn't it? Just him and you. No one else matters. Not me. Not Jake. Not your mum. Just him and you. Never noticed the rest of us hurtin', did you? Never really took time to understand what your mum was going through when she first got here. Never stopped to realize what the Doctor gave you when he left you here."

She tried to interrupt him but he continued on, making her instinctively ball her fists at her sides in anger, her lips tight in the effort of holding back her voice.

"Do you even realize he even gave you a gift?" he asked, his voice softening. "He gave you a family Rose, the family you'd always talked about havin' as a kid. But you were so focused on yourself and your heartbreak that you didn't see what it was doing to the rest of us. We tried, Rose. We gave you the space and time that we thought you needed. But it's been four years now, Rose. It's time to stop wasting your life."

"Is that what you call what I do?" she asked, the venom in her voice strong. "Wasting my life?"

He got up then, his anger renewing his energy. His back straightened as he spoke the truth that needed to be said. "You're waiting for a man who isn't coming back, Rose. A man who couldn't even tell you he loved you. If that isn't wasting your life, I don't know what is!"

Before she could stop herself, her vision turned red, her heart beat loudly in her ears and her right fist flew of its own accord straight into Mickey's jaw, landing a roundhouse blow that hauled him up with its power and dropped him into the park bench he'd been sitting on with an audible 'Umph!"

Rose's anger was unappeased at the sight of a dazed Mickey sprawled on the bench. Ignoring the ever-present hollow feeling and growing remorse, she turned and headed back to the house, leaving Mickey behind. He was a big boy and could make his own way back. She started running again, her feet pounding the pavement as she formulated her plan on leaving when she got back to the house. If she moved quickly enough she could be back before Jackie and Pete were up.

The plan became more powerful as she envisioned packing her car and leaving, just getting away from the people who obviously thought so little of her... who thought that she was broken and useless, a victim to her heart. She wouldn't give any of them the satisfaction of seeing her cry, of knowing that Mickey's words had struck her to her very core. No, they didn't deserve the satisfaction.

Rose sat in the hotel room seething. It had been easy to leave her parent's without any further altercations and make it to her flat. She had known that she needed to get away, to disappear for a few days so she could calm down and decide what she needed to do. So she'd grabbed an overnight bag along with some Torchwood files she had brought home to work on and left.

The constant ringing of her mobile had been a distraction and she'd shut it off. Let them worry.

When she'd realized she was in Wales she had stopped at the nearest town, determined not to go anywhere near Cardiff and the memories associated there. She had hoped her anger would have dissipated after a long drive, but it only seemed to be growing.

So when she'd checked into her hotel room, she'd grabbed a pen and a sheet of the hotel stationery and focused her anger on the only person she could at the moment.

_Doctor-_

_I really hate you sometimes. Hate you for not finishing that sentence. Hate you for being your autocratic Time Lord self, stranding me here purportedly for my own good. I hate you for showing me a better way to live my life. Because you gave me the world. You wrapped it up with a bow and attached the wind to go with the trainers and gave it all to me on a silver platter. Then, you took it away from me. You dropped me off just like you did with all of the others, only you let Fate and Circumstance handle the transaction. How very convenient._

_Maybe Mickey was right. Maybe you never ever meant to finish what you started to say that day. Maybe I didn't mean as much to you as you mean to me. Maybe I've been wrong the past four years that I have been here, hoping that one day you'd figure out how to get back. Maybe I'm wrong and Mickey is right...am I wasting my life? _

_Well, I'm done wasting it I'm keeping you in my life until the universe says I can't. But I'll be damned if I'm going to keep taking the attitudes I'm getting around here. That's the commitment my heart made long ago to you, Doctor. It's time I show you what forever really means…_


	5. Chapter 5

"That should be it," Rose said, sealing the last of the moving boxes

"That should be it," Rose said, sealing the last of the moving boxes. Looking up she grinned at her mum, taking in her dirty clothes and ragged hair. It had been a long day of packing and cleaning for both women.

"I should hope so," Jackie answered, wiping at the sweat on her brow. "Honestly, Rose, don't know why you couldn't just have hired a moving team. They could have packed up this junk and sent it all over to the house without a fuss."

Rose playfully rolled her eyes. Her mum had been asking that question all day. "But where's the fun in that?" she asked, her answer the same as the past three times her mum had asked that question.

"If this is your idea of fun, missy," Jackie said with mock indignation, one hand on her hip, "then Pete has been working you too hard." Though the comment was meant to be playful, the words instantly sobered the two women. Torchwood had required more and more hours from Rose in the last two months. And Rose could tell her mum was becoming increasingly concerned about her daughter.

Two months ago was when Torchwood first started noticing the night sky getting darker. Since then, Rose's pet project had been moved to the top of Torchwood's priorities. Rose couldn't look up at her mum, choosing to focus on the box in front of her while the familiar feelings of guilt and anticipation wrenched through her. Rose could only imagine what it would do to her mum the moment she started 'jumping' next week.

"Please tell me that is the last one," Jake asked, entering the room and Rose breathed a sigh of relief at the welcomed interruption.

Rose looked up and flashed her friend a quick grin. "Should be," she said, though her tone was not as playful or casual as she'd hoped.

Jake looked at her quizzically, but let his question go unasked at a quick shake of her head. They had discussed Jackie's reluctant acceptance of Rose's mission at length. Jake was the only one that Rose had felt comfortable expressing to the outcome she craved for; he was the only one who wouldn't judge her for a decision she hoped to find herself in the position to make. Rose had not made the decision to leave her family lightly. Jake had held her as she had tearfully decided that, if offered the chance, a life with the Doctor was worth saying goodbye to those who would be left behind. Their talks had spread over several days and it had been Jake that finally persuaded Rose to move back in with Pete and Jackie. He'd told that doing this would at least give her mum some extra time with her daughter- just in case. Mickey and Jake had taken rooms at the mansion as well; the current thought being that it was safer to be with family right now than apart.

"I'll let Pete and Mickey know that there is just the furniture left. Let the muscle rather than the good looks do the heavy lifting," he said, winking at her as he left the room, box in tow. As he left, the awkwardness between Rose and her mother was brought to the forefront again.

"Rose," Jackie started at the same moment that Rose said, "Mum."

"Come with me?" Jackie asked, reaching for her daughter's hand.

Rose was surprised when her mother led them into her bedroom. It was strange to see the now empty room. Just this morning the room had been full of knickknacks, clothes, and photos, now all that was left was the vanity and her bed. She was suddenly overcome with a wave of sadness. She loved this flat, had spent months making it her own. However, if all went to plan, she didn't have long in this universe and part of her was saddened at the loss of the life she had built over the past four years.

Knowing that a show of emotions now would only lead to a conversation she wasn't ready to have with her mother, Rose steeled herself, locking her emotions away, and looked over at her mum with a forced grin on her face. "What Mum? Wanted to be out of sight when Dad and the boys come to move the furniture?" she teased.

"No, just wanted a talk and didn't want to be interrupted." Her mum's voice carried a touch of sadness in it, a sadness Rose hadn't heard since her first few months stuck here.

"Mum, what's wrong?" Rose asked, an unexplained fear now overcoming her.

It had been six months since Jackie had found her in a remote hotel in Wales and had taken her in her arms and let Rose cry out all the anger and sadness she had felt. Not a word had been mentioned about her fight with Mickey or her rush to escape. Jackie had simply held her in her arms and let her cry. The next morning, after Rose had woken up, Jackie explained the project that Pete had been working on and was now asking for Rose to lead.

The months since had been wearing, more so than field work ever had been. Rose was grateful that Jake had transferred with her instead of heading up the field team himself. She was surprised however that Mickey had given up his own team to work with her again. She had apologized to him the moment she had returned home and he had graciously accepted with a weak joke about her right hook. But there was now a frost in the friendship that hadn't existed before and she found herself spending more time with Jake than she ever had previously.

"We just need to talk," Jackie insisted again, a touch of nervousness in her voice now.

Rose went to sit next to her mother on the bed, her hands immediately wringing in her lap. "Mum," she started again, but she was cut off by Jackie's serious voice saying, "I found these."

Rose was stunned to see her Mum reach under the bed and pull out two boxes—two boxes that Rose was certain she had thrown away. She stared at her mother, accusation flooding her eyes.

"Now before you go get all stroppy, young lady," Jackie said, her voice defensive. "You need to know that it was your dad who found them."

Rose was wondering how that possibly made things any better when her mum added, her voice full of concern, "Just not quite sure what they were doing with the rubbish."

Rose shrugged, feeling her anger rise. She wasn't sure if at her mother because of the invasion of privacy or at herself for throwing the letters away in the first place.

"Rose," Jackie started, taking Rose's hands in her own. "These are part of you and, no matter what happens over the next weeks, there may be a time that you might want them."

Rose scoffed at that idea and her hands clenched inside her mum's. She hadn't written a single letter since that day the hotel six months ago. She wasn't sure why. Anger maybe? Anger at the Doctor, herself, and the situation? Or was it fear? Fear of what might happen, or of what might not happen. She didn't know. But the letters had sat untouched in those two boxes under her bed for the past six months, out of sight but rarely out of mind.

It had been a split decision when Mickey asked her what to do with the two boxes. And she found it easier watching someone else dump them with the rest of the trash than to do it herself. Only, here they were again, like a bad penny which kept turning up.

Rose simply looked at the boxes, unable to speak. The anger and fear coursed through her and she longed to vent the frustration on her mother, but the idea that she had so little time left with her held Rose back. Tears welling up in her eyes, she tore her gaze away from the boxes. She remembered every letter and she wasn't sure she wanted to remember, not now.

She felt, rather than heard her mother let out a heavy sigh. Then there was a hand on her head and it ran from her temple to her cheek forcing Rose to look up at her mother. Rose wasn't surprised to see the beginnings of tears in her mum's eyes and she leaned into the touch, hoping it would bring a little comfort.

The two women sat there for a moment, gazes holding one another.

"You look so much like your dad," Jackie finally whispered, a silent resignation in her tone.

"Mum?" Rose stopped, glancing significantly at the boxes of letters and letting her unasked question hang heavily in the air between the. It was a question she hadn't let herself ask since she started working on the Dimensional Cannon.

"Go, Rose." Her mum nodded, tears now flowing down her face. "You have my blessing."

Rose moved quickly to hug her mother, holding her tightly and never wishing to let go.

When they finally pulled back, Jackie added, "If, no _when,_ you find him, tell him I hold him to the original rules of when you first left. If he hurts you, no universe is going to stop me from hunting him down."

Rose snorted in laughter, "He might just believe that. You were the only person who he was ever scared of." Her mum smirked and Rose burst into giggles again. Unable to hide her mirth, Jackie began to laugh as well and soon both women were laughing through their tears

"Good." Jackie said, standing and brushing at her clothes, trying to make herself presentable. Then Rose noted the determination set in again. "I'm going to hold on to these for you, sweetheart," she said, picking up the boxes, "and if you don't need them, then they'll be for me."

"Okay," she answered, strangely relieved that the letters were now in her mother's possession instead of gone from her life completely.

"Now," Jackie said, a touch of mischief in her voice, "let's go see how the muscle is handling your heavy lifting."

Two weeks later Jackie Tyler sat on her balcony. The house was unusually quiet. Her son had gone to bed hours ago, Pete and the boys had gone into Torchwood, and Rose… well, Rose hadn't been home in over a week. Not since she had started jumping more frequently.

Jackie looked up at the sky, seeing only one or two stars now. It was funny, she mused. Before she never had paid attention to the night sky, didn't understand her daughter's fascination with it. Now she found herself watching it regularly and hoping for it to return.

She wondered constantly if Rose had found the Doctor yet, but those thoughts led to thoughts of never seeing her daughter again. She never asked Mickey or Pete what Rose said when she returned from each jump, but she knew things were not working the way they all had hoped.

Not knowing what else to do, Jackie made her way back into the house and wandered into the study. She had stowed away Rose's boxes of letters here weeks ago, but had not gone near them since. But tonight she wanted to feel close to her daughter and this was the only way she knew how. Picking up the first envelope, she hesitated before opening it. She knew Rose's life hadn't been easy these past years. She knew her daughter hadn't been happy despite appearances and suddenly Jackie wasn't sure if she really wanted to know just how unhappy Rose had been.

She replaced the envelope and closed the lid, moving instead to the desk. She sat, reaching for the pen and paper that Pete always kept, and began to write.

_Doctor-_

_The stars are going out and my baby girl is determined to stop that. You did that to her. You made her into the beautiful young woman that she is today and I thank you for that. _


	6. Chapter 6

4:10

4:10. It was time to check on him again. Sighing, Jackie pulled herself away from the seating chart she was trying frantically to arrange. Pete had insisted that there be some type of official celebration after the stars returned to their proper place in the sky. She had been fine with that, felt that they all needed a proper celebration. But Pete had insisted that the celebration take place no later than tomorrow, leaving Jackie with one day to plan and carry out the most elaborate party that London had seen.

Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, but today she had the added difficulty of a sulky part-human Time Lord.

He had taken up vigil on the bottom stair after Rose and Pete had left for work. That had been 7 hours and 40 minutes ago. She knew. She'd been watching the clock and checking on him every ten minutes. But enough was enough. If she planned on getting this party planned today, she needed to occupy him with something other than staring at the front door and sighing sadly.

"Moping at the door isn't going to make her come home any sooner, you know." Clearly unaware that Jackie had entered the room, the Doctor spun around and, with a look of surprise laced with guilt, stared up at her.

She was startled. She had expected to find the mopey Time Lord she had encountered all day long, but now the man in front of her seemed lost.

"What? I wasn't moping at the door," he said, sullenly.

"Come off it," Jackie admonished as she jogged down the stairs and sat next to the Doctor on his step. "You're sitting there lookin' like someone just kicked your puppy." He didn't acknowledge her, simply turned back and continued his vigil of staring at the door.

"She missed you, you know." Jackie said, venturing a guess at what might have changed his mood so drastically from the last time she'd checked on him. He had to know that Rose had missed him like crazy. He would have had to be blind not to see the way she looked at him.

"Funny way she has of showing it." He mumbled the words under his breath, but Jackie heard them clearly enough.

Jackie didn't understand. Things had seemed almost normal yesterday. Well, as normal as her life ever was since the Doctor had entered it years ago. Pete and Tony had met them at the station in London. Rose and the Doctor hadn't stopped touching one another the whole day. There were shy grins, stories of a shared past and of adventures apart. True, both of them seemed a bit quieter, there wasn't as much laughing or talking over each other as there once had been, but Jackie could tell that they were happy. What had changed so dramatically since then?

Jackie searched her memory, mentally replaying her observations of her daughter and this man from yesterday to this morning. She'd noted that both the Doctor and Rose had seemed a little off this morning. Nothing too noticeable, but they had been very polite with one another. A little too polite, actually. And suddenly it all became clear.

"You went and had a row with her didn't you, you oversized ape?" The Doctor looked shocked at her phrase but she didn't let that concern her as she continued on. "Took you, what, less then 36 hours?" Jackie rolled her eyes and sighed. "So what was it? What did you fight over? Let me guess, work. 'M right, aren't I?" She waited for him to respond, to confirm her suspicions so she could lay into him, but he didn't answer her. He simply kept looking at the door as if it held the answer to the universe's secrets.

They sat together in silence for another moment before she continued, her voice quieter and softer this time.

"She's got responsibilities now, Doctor. Not like before when she could swan off as she pleased. She's got a job, a team, people that need her."

"But I need her, Jackie," he started, his voice and eyes twinged with sadness, but she cut him off before he could finish.

"Oh, I didn't say you didn't." She started to feel a little exasperated at the man beside her. If he continued with this moodiness and sullen behavior, she might have to rethink her support of his relationship with her daughter. "But she has a life here. Don't you see that? She has had five years to create a new life. Torchwood needed her today. They needed to know what happened. Pete tried to put it off but there are parts of the story only Rose knows. She had to go into the office. And then with everything with Mickey…."

"You don't understand." The Doctor cut her off sharply, his voice rough with emotion. "I need her, but I've lost her."

"Lost her?" She asked incredulously. "What do you mean, lost her?"

"She's so different, Jackie. Like you said, she has a life here now. A life that doesn't include me," his voice cracked on the last work, making him sound and look like a lost boy. Jackie reached over and pulled him into an awkward hug. I lost her the moment she slipped into this world and I don't think there is a way to get her back," he whispered, reminding Jackie of her four-year-old son when he was scared.

They were silent for a moment. Simply sitting on the stairs as Jackie searched for the words to comfort him. He pulled away, jumped up, and began pacing the floor. "Surely you've noticed the change; she is your daughter." He was pleading with her, but continued before she could respond. "Haven't you noticed how her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes anymore, how her laugh seems hollow, how sad she is? You had to have noticed." He stopped right in front of her, his finding hers and holding them waiting for her to acknowledge his fears.

Jackie felt her ire rise. Of course she had noticed. She noticed every day as her daughter lost more and more weight; as her smiles became less frequent. She was the one that had to watch her little girl slowly ebb away and become the woman she was now. He hadn't been here for any of it.

"Oh I saw it, Doctor," She finally said, her anger seeping through her words. "I had to watch her every day. She tried to hide it, tried to pretend. But something died in Rose after Norway. But last night I saw something of my little girl again. Yes, she's changed. It's been five years, but she is still Rose and there isn't any way you've lost her unless you let her go."

She stood. He could sulk in self pity on his own. She didn't have time to deal with this.

"I never let her go, Jackie. But I think she might have let go of me. " His voice was quiet but it pierced her through the heart. She made a decision right then, and Rose would let her have it for what she was about to do, but he deserved to know.

She waited until he was looking her in the eye and said, "I have something you need to see."

She started back up the stairs, expecting him to follow. When he didn't she turned around and glared. "She won't be home for at least another hour."

Reluctantly he followed her up the stairs and into the library. She took out the two boxes she had taken from Rose's flat and handed them to the Doctor.

"They're letters." She explained at his quizzical look. "She wrote them to you, and it's about time that you should read them." She began to leave the room, but paused at the door and tuned back to him. "Read the top one first, it's from me."

Three hours later the Doctor was pacing the length of the front window of the Tyler mansion, worrying his hair and trying to control his instinct to rush out and find Rose. He had read through the two boxes of letters twice. Each letter had given him a better glimpse into the life she had created here. A life was good but missing something. A life that he knew he could be a part of, if she let him. And she had to let him. She had to give him a chance to be a part of it. He knew that happiness was still in his grasp, but he needed Rose to make a choice, to fight for him like she promised she would in her letters. So when Pete had returned home two hours ago, without his daughter, the Doctor began to panic.

The concerns and worries that had plagued him throughout the morning and afternoon returned. She was staying away, she didn't want to be around him anymore. She'd taken a car and runaway again. Jackie had told her about that when he asked her to explain Rose's last letter. Thoughts that she might truly hate him now and blame him for all that had happened raced through his mind, and he had had a desperate need to see her right then and apologize for his past mistakes.

Pete had finally been able to shout over him and explained that Rose had gone for drinks with Jake and would be home later. When the Doctor had insisted on going out after her, Jackie had convinced him to let her have this time with Jake, that there would be time to discuss everything with her, but she needed time away from them all. .

He understood now what Jackie had been trying to tell him. Rose, like himself, had been living a half life since their separation. Trying her best to move forward but finding herself stuck in the past. She hadn't left him or forgotten him at all, and for the first time since they left the beach in Norway, the Doctor had hope for their future.

He was relieved when he saw the headlights pull up in front of the house and he rushed outside to meet them.

"I'll see ya tomorrow, yeah?" He could hear Rose ask of the driver.

He didn't hear the response, but he saw Rose grin and lean in, placing a kiss on driver's cheek. He tried to tap down the feelings of jealousy that coursed through him as she stood up and leaned against the car.

He came up behind Rose and put a hand on her shoulder. She jumped, startled at the contact and looked up to meet his eyes. She sent him a strained smile then turned back to the driver.

"Jake, I am sure you remember the Doctor," she said.

"Doctor," the young man nodded, an amused smile gracing his face.

"Jake," he responded in turn, trying to keep the jealousy out of his voice, then mentally kicking himself for feeling jealous in the first place. It was Jake, there was nothing to be jealous about, but he ached for the easy relationship that Rose seemed to have with him.

"Well, goodnight you two," Jake said with a knowing grin, before driving off.

They were alone again and the awkwardness was evident. He knew he needed to say something, but found the words lacking. He missed their old relationship, the one where neither had to work hard at a conversation. Now all he could come up with was, "How was work?"

She shrugged, "Different without Mickey around." The silence fell between them again and Rose added, almost as an afterthought, "You survive the day with my mum?"

"Um, yeah," was all he could say.

"Well, I'm starved. Mum save any dinner?" Rose asked, moving past him and toward the house, and he knew that she was slipping away from him again.

"Rose." His voice was quiet. Pleading.

"We can talk later, yeah?" She said, not turning around to acknowledge him, but walking closer to the front steps. He was desperate now. He had to make her see that, though they were both different, they still needed each other.

"I read your letters, Rose." He shouted after her. Rose froze by the front step and every muscle showed the tension ranging through her body.

"You did what?" She asked, her voice laced with anger.

"I read your letters." He repeated moving to stand in front of her, to force her to look at him.

"What," she asked, her voice eerily calm, "would have possessed you to do that?"

"Well," he said, running his hand through his hair, stalling for time. "Your mum gave them to me."

"She did what?" Rose shouted and began to push past him, trying to get to the house.

"You can go yell at her later, Love," he said, grasping her wrist and pulling her back to him. "I need to say something first. Please."

"What did you call me?" she asked, stunned.

"Love," he repeated, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "That's alright, isn't it?" He asked, suddenly self-conscious.

"Yeah, I like that." She said, taking his hands in hers. Seeing that her anger seemed to have disappeared, he pressed on, hoping that she wouldn't try to change the subject again.

"See the thing is, Rose, I thought I knew how much you loved me. I was positive I understood what you must have gone through starting your life over here. You know me, always know what's right," he said, flashing her a self-deprecating grin. "But I was so thick, Rose. I didn't have the foggiest idea. But I do now. At least, I certainly understand better." He dropped her hands and cupped her face in his hands.

"You're not the same Rose you were before." She started to protest, but he quickly cut her off. "You're even more brilliant than that girl was. I'm sorry you had to go through the last five years alone, Rose. I'm sorry I didn't try harder to find a way back to you right at the beginning. You have no idea how sorry I am." He voice was laced with emotion and he wiped a tear from her cheek.

"But you... you and your brilliant self, you found the way back to me. And I know that it didn't turn out exactly as you'd pictured it would; it didn't for me either. But you're brilliant, Rose. And, as you know, I'm brilliant, too. And we can be brilliant together. We _are_ brilliant together, Rose." He stepped away from her now and tried to rein in his feelings.

"We're neither of us the exact same people we were before, except it appears I still have a gob, but I have everything I've ever wanted for, oh, so long standing right here in front of me. I love you, Rose. And I know you love me. And that's all I need. Everything else will fall into place. We can be the stuff of legends again, you know. You and me running across this universe."

He stopped now and reached his hand, like he had a Christmas night so many years ago, "So, what do you say, Rose Tyler? Run with me?"

She looked at his hand and he wiggled his fingers at her. "That hand of yours still gives me the creeps," she said, but reached for it anyway.

"Oi! I love this hand," he said, squeezing her fingers in his own.

"Stuff of Legends?" she asked smiling up at him.

"Stuff of Legends, Rose Tyler," he answered.


End file.
